...and then there's Roland

I'm sorry Fans! (Which I think we have 2 maybe 3 of) Sunny and I have been getting in our usual antics this summer but no time to type them out to you. Work really gets in the way! But there are some recent activity I must bring to your attention. The first would be that sober I tried to get into the wrong apartment building. I was into this whole thing where I read an article saying that people who take the stairs live longer. Yes! I know it's called excersise but I thought I need to keep it up so I'll take the stairs. Well I step off the stairs too soon and I am on floor 2 instead of 1. I do not know this because my building is like a hotel every floor looks exactly the same. And no I wasn't paying attention to the numbers on the door why would I be doing that! I go to apartment 221 instead of 121 where I live! Pound on the door for my room mate to let me and no one is coming. I'm like damn you Sarah always on the toilet! Finally after 5 minutes of pounding and me looking extra crazy a woman who I do not know comes to the door. This is when I realize I was at the wrong apartment. I start to explain to her that I am not crazy when in fact I clearly am pet her kitty (in which I nice kitty) an run away. Which brings me to the other night - Sarah is out of town. She's in Florida to see the Harry Potter exhibit ( I do not judge and neither should you!) so with Sarah out I really decided to live it up and throw a bender. No wait I wish I could say that but I didn't. I was responsible and asked a few of my friends over to play Rockband. I have a really unhealthy obsession with that game. Anyways after some drinking and pizza eating I went to the trash room to empty my load of trash. I couldn't open the door which is not unusual for a Saturday night so I really pushed the door to which I found a leg. Yup a human leg. Now let's not all go all CSI it was not a dead body (that I see later happening to me) but a drunk man. I of course threw my trash away and then ran back to the apartment to get my friends. And to pee. So I peed and then ran back to the trash room to show them the drunk man that I have found. My friend Krista is a state trained 911 employee for our great granite state. That would be New Hampshire for all you dumbasses reading this. Anyways she takes his vitals and he is clearly breathing. Actually snoring. Our British friend Forrest is trying to wake him up. Nothing. This guy will not wake. So we call 911. While 911 is on the way we take a picture of our drunk friend. 911 comes and we show him where our drunk friend is. They wake him and ask him is name. He says his name is Billy Bubbadoo. And he's laughing and telling the fire department that he was taking his trash out and that he lives in 539. To which I'm like well why is he taking it all the way down to the first floor we each have our own trash rooms. So Billy Bubbadoo starts walking if you can call it that more like a drunk monkey like sway type of walk. He falls down once. He throws an F bomb and is up again. He tries to go into apartment 139 which if you reference to the beginning of this blog sober I have done myself so I feel bad for Mr. Billy Bubbadoo. Which that is not his real name but that's sure what is sounded like. We're like you're on the first floor. He throws another F bomb. Then security takes him to his apartment on 539 but he doesn't have a key to let him in. The security guard finds out that its his girlfriend's apartment and no one is apparently home to let him in. He is not on the lease so the security guard can not do a lock out letting him then enter the building. So the security guard tries to take him to the security office. But Billy passes out in a bush. The police and fire department are called back. Billy is later arrested for drunk disorderly and taken to a drink tank. So sad Billy Bubbadoo we will miss you!

A Springtime "Ruth" Story

As you all know my room mate Sarah works with my former room mate Ruth. And often Sarah my little spy will email San Diego and I some great stories of Ruth and her personal life. Apparently Ruth and her former flame after the husband in jail have broken up. He realized Ruth was too much for him too fast. And he wore a tuxedo tee shirt. For a retard to wear that kind of shirt and know the Ruth and her FUPA was too much for him - he is a smart man regardless of his tuxedo shirt wearing. A tip of the hat to you my dear sir! Now - more recently Ruth has been back romping it around with her chocolate thunder lover. Apparenty she told Sarah that he chopped off his afro mullet of a pony tail. I was like Kudos to him for leaving 1985. Also on Monday Sarah learned alot of things at work. The first being that Ruth has not only one chocolate lover but two. And the second chocolate lover is like dark chocolate direct from his ethnic country. He probably is one making jungle noises in the background during Zumba songs and then screams ZUMBA FITNESS! Anyways Jungle Jim we shall call him brought Ruth and her FUPA lunch on Monday. When Sarah told me and San Diego this not only did I laugh because Jungle Jim literally smells like the country he is from and Sarah was sitting downwind from him BUT Ruth and her Fupa have done with unimaginable. She has a husband in jail remember folks she had a beautiful ceremony and Concord State and while he's in the clink for the second time recreating the movie Shawshank Redemption she has taken on her lover Chocolate Thunder and now a second dark chocolate lover named Jungle Jim who brings her lunch. I would just like to state for the record that I am a sexy bitch. Hello it was previously stated in the previous blog and by a group of drunk men. Yet I don't have lovers delivering me taco bell mid week. Is the FUPA that enticing that once they stop looking they can't take their eyes away? I guess that is her weapon for the opposite sex. I don't know. But I do know that the husband wrote her a letter and she brought it into work and read it to everyone. Not everyone but pretty much their corner of the office. From the jist of what Sarah got he's found God and he's really sorry for all the shit he put her through. No shocker because he needs Ruth to support him in jail. And I'm sure he misses hugging that fupa on a bi-weekly basis. Stay tuned people because my work is having a Customer Appreciation Party in which Ruth has been invited I have to behave but I'm sure there will be plenty to tell you about. She gets really excited at buffets you know! :)

A night out with a Monchichi and a creeper named Mumbai...

Folks - I have alot to tell you about. May has been a pretty wild and crazy monthy for San Diego and I. But I'm only going to tell you about the past three weekends... Weekend #1 Three weekends ago I went out with my friend Maryellen and her friend Kelly. We went into Fanuil Hall to a lovely establishment called Jose Macs. I had a real craving for Margaritas and ironically there's are delish. And I found out I'm not dying of cancer. Please disregard any previous rants. So I decided to drink it up. I also decided that this would be the night that attempt my fake wedding band set so that creepers of the night would not talk to me. Ironically just the opposite happened!!! So we were there and this creeper came up and asked me why I wasn't dancing with anyone and I was like oh I'm married thinking he would flitter off and talk to someone else. He instead just kept talking to me about how young I was to be married. I was like kid, I turned 29 on Monday my husband (the fictional one) is watching the Bruins game at another bar and I'm out with my friends it's okay to do that we only have a cat. Hoping again that this makes him go away. He does leave me alone but then just moves on to my friend Kelly - pretty much looks horrified at this point and we all agree that his blonde friend looks like Justin Timberlake and we would have no problem if he was drunkenly hitting on us instead of this kid. We decide to leave. We head over to my formerly fav bar Trinity. Trinity was my old stomping ground - I could find drunk love every night in that bar. Make out with some guy and leave him and not worry about anything the next day. Well since the burning down of the old Hong Kong things have changed it was dead in there that night! So we sat at a table drinking our free Bacardi Cherry Torch in order to get free tee shirts and what not. And guess who comes in ... why that would be the bag from Jose Macs! So he started to speak to us again. And this time some kid in a green shirt came over to talk to me about where we got the free drinks and what not and the drunk kid like jumped at green shirt kid and scream that I'm married. In which green shirt kid asked me if I was married to him and I said no. Lesson# 1 Don't wear the fake wedding Band!!! Weekend #2 A bunch of my lady friends and I decided to go out for my birthday. We went to Bell and Hand. Always a good time. I ate 8 jello shots 2 raspberry stoli and sprites and I think 6 beers that night. And I was feeling great. Also there were a lack luster men out that night. As in pretty much I'd rather be alone than with any of them. But apparently I was rubbing my butt up against any man all night. When intoxicated I tend to just rub my butt up I apparently think its hilarious. Also I was hit on by girl she asked me if I thought she was pretty - I looked at her with an odd look and said yes. Because really why are you asking me that? I'm drunk I've been rubbing butts all night why do you care if I think you are pretty well apparently she was a lesbian and I was like ohhh no I'm not into girls I like men. Which I do - I enjoy men very much. And then she whipped her hair in my face which I think was very rude. I then later in the night use my Bud Light bottle for my inappropriate acts and showed my butt and boobs off. I also met a really young kid and spilled his drink. I did also talk to a cute man but his breathe was so bad and I was so drunk I almost vomitted on him - I had to walk away. I woke up the next day dry heaving... Lesson #2 Do not talk to a girl if she asks if they are pretty Weekend # 3 Last weekend was Dan's birthday so San Diego, Dan's sister Chloe, our friend Chris and Sarah my roomate went out for his birthday. We started out at Max n Dylans for dinner. We then went to the bar Sweetwater Cafe because it was a nice New England night and they have a patio you can drink on and people watch. I love to People watch. It's where I get most of my blogging from that and my alcoholism. So - there is a group of young guys to the right of us. And if you've ever been to the Alley in Boston you know that you are surrounded by 3 bars and lines of people it's great entertaiment. Well there was a table of guys to our right and they were yelling at the ladies outside of the Fine establishment Liquour Store they were yelling crude things but the most tame that I can print was Hey Sexy Bitches. Right yes that's going to get you a lady for the night. I was showing Dan's sister my zumba moves and apparently they yelled Sexy Bitch at me. I did not hear this. This is what San Diego told me. So when they walked by San Diego said something like your friend is not going to get anywhere screaming sexy bitch at my friend. And the nice guys who were pretty cute were like oh sorry about him. That's when we notice he not only looked 12 but he resembled a Monchichi. I also stated that kid looks like a Monchichi! Anyways he didn't even make it into the door of the bar and the bouncer kicked him. Aww Monchichi you got kicked out. Basically the next I tell you was like a train wreck that I could not stop watching! Monchici kept trying to get back in the bar. He keeps texting his friends who apparently don't know he's been kicked out or don't care. Also he can barely stand up. Monchichi tries to make a last ditch effort to get back in. And the bouncer pushes him up and out of the alley. The Monchichi the entire time is screaming that he is going to sue. But really the bouncer is only doing his job getting retard drunks out of the way for new retard drunks. Later Sarah sees some of Monchichi's friends and she's like do you know your friend was kicked out. Apparently guy #1 did not. So he then went and Monchichi was there waiting for his friends. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! But pretty much the night consisted of Monchichi waiting outside while his friends were inside drinking and having fun and having girls rub up on them! Oh Monchichi when will you learn! Also in the night San Diego danced with a man name MUMBAI as a dare but our friend Chris told me that she wanted to dance with him so I did not save her from Mumbai. Instead I took pictures of them as if I were the paparazzi!! Lesson #3 A code orange is always a code orange especially with a man named Mumbai!

I dear friends...Spray Tan

Yes - I admit it I spray tan. I love the sun and wish I could tan naturally on my own but with my pale skin I only end up getting freckles and a burn even though I wear alot of sunscreen. So to save my skin and not get get wrinkles I try not to go to the tanning salons and tan. Although I do love them. 7 Minutes of an Island heaven! But since I was in the 8th grade I have tried all different forms of self tanners and lotions. And yes I've even done the tanning beds but all I do is end up freckled and no tan. So over the years I have tried every form of professional spray tan there is. I started the professional spray tans verses just using the self tanners at the Makeup department in Macy's in college. My first experience with a spray tan booth was aweful. I broke out from it and looked orange and blotchy. Then after that I tried a new place that had it. It was great it went on clear but then you felt very sticky and the tan didn't show up till the next day so you couldn't see if you streaked or not. Then I started to go to a Body Spa where you stand in your underwear and the lady spray tans you. But this left you look umpalumpa orange for a day and it's very thick on your skin and you kind of smell. Also when it fades away it fades away in clumps and you look like you have that Michael Jackson skin disease. Not a hot look at all. The other day my boss told me that the Tanning Salon in our plaza where our hotel is got a spray tan machine. I perked immediatly tell me more about it! I need to try it! And well I did! I love it! This is the best spray tan formula I've ever tried! There was a little bit of stickiness the intital spray but I used the towel they provide to avoid any streaks and I was fine! I went home and let it settle and showered the next day and I had a nice natural looking tanning. In which my friend Dan was like have you been tanning? Like literal tanning not sprayed tanning. I finally found it! And now I can rest and have a tan summer!

Thank you Lional Richie Thank you!

As some of you may or may not know but San Diego and our groups of friends and I like to go to our local bar and karaoke. We like this for many reasons a.) to make fun of others and people watch and b.) that when we get a few in us as well to go up and sing and look like weirdos. Last night was a special night. There was an incident at the Karaoke bar!!! Last summer I dated this man for about 2 months we broke up. But he broke up with me on Facebook. Last August I logged on to my Facebook account and see his status as just this "Hanging with my new favorite girl Fallon!" Apparently I was no longer his favorite girl. I would find this an acceptable breakup if it weren't for the fact that we are not 21 years old! He's 28 and ownes his own business. Grow up! And grow some balls at Two Months you can at least text me that you don't want to hang out anymore and/or you can just do the blow off and then delete me off of your Facebook. Which was weird anyways since he requested me on Facebook! And up until 2 days prior to that Facebook wall posting he had drunk texted me twice. Back to last night - I'm standing at the bar with my friend Dan and his sister. Because of the show Glee I had been singing Lionel Richie's Hello the entire night to Dan's sister. SO her and I decided we would go up there and sing. After 2 Sam Summer's this was not enough to do a drunken Karaoke but it Lionel was calling me the entire night. As we are waiting to be called to sing Lionel standing in Front of me is Facebook Dousche Bag! I was like OMG it's "Frankie!" I poke Dan. Dan obviously zoned out during the Frankie dating well it was only two months nothing to really zone in on except for the aspect he broke up with me on Facebook. So then I call San Diego over to kind of remind him of Frankie. Anyways the kid turns around looks directly at me and says "hey what's up" I just did a nod head type hi thing and gave a whats up back. Really him getting that was too much. But now I'm freaking out not because I like him but because he's with a new girl obviously not Fallon since she was all over his Facebook from prior posts and I did not want to sing Lionel Richie's HELLO in front of him! So I'm like talking to Dan's sister and I am like I'm going to look at you the whole time. Kind of like a pseudo lesbian love. And she's fine with that since Facebook dousche is in the audience. Well the Karaoke gods or Jesus was on my side because they did not call out our names and I did not have to sing Lionel in front of that bag! Although now I still want to sing my Lionel just not in front of him. For once luck was on my side! I was not going to sing that song in front of that bag when he's like all over new girl. Not that I care but yeah I get that you're with another girl I wasn't going to try to rekindle something! San Diego suggested that we have our friend Dan do a courtesy grab of the boob but that is not an appropriate place for a courtesy grab. And it would not have made sense and Facebook Dousche bag would have known it was a courtesy grab to make him jealous which is not what I wanted to do at all. I wanted to say I've moved on and your a dousche bag but really how does show that with out using the Middle Finger?

This is what a German and a STD from a non German will get ya...

So this post is basically me chiming in on Sunny's previous post (which is all dead on about our recent nights out) but at times, I was not with Sunny so I need to put it out there what else goes on when we hit Boston.

Let me start with our nite @ Ned Devines a few weekends ago and state that me, sunny and the other girls all looked really hot, which is probably why I was successful in my quest to the UN of the dating world by chatting up 1 German and 2 Aussies. What can I say, American men just do not do it for me. I've tasted the international waters and it was very a quinching thurst that only foreign boys can help me out with. One big thing that Sunny forgot was the fact that there was a Snuggy bar crawl taking place in Fanueil Hall that evening (I know, I wish someone totally gave me the memo also *please note the sarcasm*). So we walk upstairs when we first arrive and I see a very large man in a Purdue snuggy with a rubber ducky necklace. Like really buddy, nice way to cockblock yourself. Why? Because I dispise them. Yes, he had a good convo starter, even I talked to him, but the whole convo was me telling him he should have saved his money and bough a bathrobe and wore it backwards. The only cheap thrills in that convo was when he let me squeeze his rubber ducky. Later in the nite, me and the Asian Persusian go to the middle bar since I need a drink and I just cant do bud or budlight, when we come across a very adorable gay man. Now, as much as I loved chatting to this man, I had really set up a good convo starter with 2 men who also had accents! If memory serves me correctly, they were English. Now, I only got to talk to them for a min because our gay friend was hugging us a lot and these 2 English guys thought I was with our new huggy friend. NO!!!!! The universe is trying to cockblock me! Me and the Asian Persusian move back to the backroom to dance and watch the band, where I proceed to get half a beer spilt on 1 boob. Yea, really attractive, I know! We are dancing the nite away when I see Sunny holding her heels in her hands! Apparently some DB tried to fight her (the DB was a guy) so she took them off to battle. It was kind of like watching Bruce Lee. You never knew what kind of jab she'd want to throw! After all has settled, we go back to dancing. The nite ends so we go outside. Now, no matter how many times we tell ourselves we won't buy a sausage at 2am, what do we do? Buy a sausage at 2am. So I'm taking my time putting ketchup on when I decide to ask a random man on a bench if he likes sausages. This man has a very German accent and did not get my pervert joke whatso ever, even though he did complimentary boob grabs to Sunny earlier, which I did not find out about until later! So after I get yelled at for talking to the German Groper, we go to the main road to get a taxi, where I let all the girls find one while I chat up 2 very tall Aussies who noticed I had no coat and it was freezing. They didnt care for sausages. I asked.

Zumba and the crack lady- The white tank lady was beyond being a hot mess. Our Zumba teacher works at a bar/restaurant across the street from my work so I went in to visit her the following day and she was in shock at how bad of a dancer this white tank lady was and our teacher is convinced she was drunk or on something because she not only did the oppositie of what the whole class did, but she was constantly like 5 beats behind everyone. It was basically the only guarenteed thing about this lady cause those ballet flats were sooo wrong on soooo many levels. We all wear sneakers and work out clothes. She rolled out of bed and stole her daughters ballet shoes apparently...for a 7pm Zumba class. AT the end of class, white tank lady goes & tells our teacher, in a very drunk voice, that is she packing for Vegas and won't be in class for a week. Now, I hope she went to Vegas, got drunk, and went swimming in the water show outside the belagio and got arrested and is stuck in a jail like the one in Hangover, where field trips come by and the kids laugh at you. Thankfully she has not returned, but her friend still does. Now her friend is normal and can dance and is also 40, but did a huge TMI at the next class by telling us that her and her hubby just got a hot-tub and like to go out there at 2.30am. Seriously, I dont even know if I would tell my friends about my 2.30am sexcapades everyday, so why would you tell a bunch of strangers? Veryyyy weird!

And our nite at the Estate was a bad scene out of gossip girl. Like I could handle partying with Blair or Serena, but the female Chuck Bass? I think not! Before I went out, I was in bed. I would have been fine rolling out, getting dressed/ looking cute and hitting a bar, but these places are clubs, so it takes more effort. not to mention the place was so crammed, I got many curtosy grabs by men who had no intentions of ever touch my twins, which looked huge thanks to a ny & co belt I borrowed from Sunny. Seriously, I dont know how they got so big. But anyway, we leave and are almost not let into a club because Asian Persiaan is laughin at a joke a guy said. Now, as much as I love to flirt, no man is worth not getting into a club for and doing the walk of shame away from the front door...especially one that is beyond being called a trash bar. The guys in this club were all either stinky, creepy, a combo or both, or clearly have never been laid and felt this bar was where they would meet the woman to change it all (& by the looks of the ladies, he'd probably get a few STD's, which might be the least of his problems since there was obv a roofie epidemic going on somewhere in the city that nite).

Leaving Gyspy, the birthday girl decides to take her shoes off, which resulted in me and sunny telling her that if she does that, she must accept a piggy back ride from one us. Between Sunny's gym sessions with crazy Fiona and me just quitting the supermarket industry where my boss forgot I was the only girl on his staff so gave me the same big boxes meant for men, we are both pretty strong girls. This didnt work. Sunny said she would get hypatitis. This didnt work. I stated that homeless people live in the common and there is glass and needles. This didnt work. So I eventually gave up in that fight. Thankfully we only walked through the public gardens, with no homeless to be seen. Apparently its a little too fancy for them so they stay across Charles st and only sleep in the Commons.

Zumba, A German and an STD....

A few weeks back San Diego and I went with my cousin and some of her friends to a mutual friend's 30th birthday party. It was at Ned Devine's in Fanuil Hall Boston. I really swing to Ned Devine's they always have great bands that cover a variety of music. Although the alcohol tends to be more on the pricey side for me it's worth it for a more normal crowd some good dancing and good music. Since there was abotu 10 of us the birthday girl decided to give us all "Birthday" beads and candy necklaces we all wore it also was a good snack in the night of drinking and a good way to keep track of the party for getting out of Boston at the end of the night. You leave no man behind! Anyways during this night of girls having fun and making on the extremely hot band San Diego and I started to dance with this man Mario and his friend Mike. Mario continued to ask me what his name was and I would be like Mario why because I was not that intoxicated and although I am blonde I'm not a moron. I think Mario kept asking me this to see if he could sleep with me at the end of the night. Alas - I always remembered his name. That night I also met a man named Shannon and another man named Leigh who claimed to be an academy trainer. I think he may have been a janitor at the academy but there was no way that he was a trainer. First, he was smaller then San Diego who stands at 5 feet 1 inch and he was manorexic. There was no way unless he trained as a parking cone he was a police academy trainer. Later in the evening when I ditched Mario and his friend Mike I was dancing with my cousin and this man in black who was very tall came up and started to gyrate his unit into my bum. Although I often to my crazy bum dance I do not enjoy a boner in my ass dry humping me through my jeans. But being that I was not intoxicated I felt I could get away from the creaton on my own and did not have to call a code orange. Code Orange is basically when I just scream orange and San Diego comes to help me. Well I grab on to my cousin and hump her bum try to get away from the man. But before he lets me go he does a "courtesy" grab on my boob and goes away. After that when San Diego was getting a sausge she started to talk to this man. Come to find out he's German. I tell San Diego we gotta go and it's time to catch our cab she tells me that she is talking to a German. I then retort with don't that German courtesy grabbed my boob! We then caught our cab which while waiting to catch a cab San Diego talked to some Aussie's she typically seeks out men only with accents it's kind of her thing. That Monday when San Diego and I went to Zumba we chatted often about our German, the Aussie's and the man with the girl name. But this Zumba class was not the typical Zumba class on Monday nights. We had two new women in the class. Both in their 40's one looked normal and the othe screamed white trash. I often have distain for new people in Zumba it makes the class go slower and now I have less time to talk to San Diego and our little Zumba friends to chat about the weekend and make fun of those we encounter. Well the normal looking woman looked okay and the white trash lady wore ballet slippers and a wife beater with no sports bra and after a group decision we've decided she was drunk while doing zumba. It's dangerous to zumba in ballet slippers while drunk. And I think she had missing teeth. She also went to the opposite of everyone else and was laughing the whole time. It was very strange being that usually people at Zumba are trying to get some exercise where as I think she thinking she was at Rain after drinking too many gin and tonics. So this weekend was our friend birthday and she wanted to go to the fine establishment called the Estate in Boston beccause some reality show chic was there along with a Bebe Fashion show. Since it is not my birthday I and San Diego said sure why not but we prefer more bars in Fanuil Hall, Fenway or by BU. But we went and we did fourtunatly get in there for free but when we walked in it was a "vagina" festival it was wall to wall vagina's dressed up as if we were in a bad episode of Gossip Girl. Even the lesbian's were dressed up as Chuck Bass. I also saw a really chubby girls cottage cheese ass. I looked at San Diego and literally said "Oh I think I just saw that fat girl's ass." In which she retorted with "Yes, and there were more rolls on that ass then the bakery aisle." This was just not our cup of tea. Especially since San Diego and I are more jeans and black shirt/fancy shirt and heel type of girls. But recently we've been rocking flats much easier to balance on. And our friend the Asian Sensation looks like she's working as one of Tiger Wood's alleged mistresses. Love her to death but that's the best way to describe her. So the three of us did not fit into the vagina festival and their version of Gossip Girl. So we left and went to another wonderful (and I saw that with sarcasm!) establishment called Gypsy Bar. There we barely got in because Asian Sensation was apparently way over intoxicated from pregaming at my apartment and the guy almost didn't let us in. We then got dry humped by some guys on the dance floor and Asian sensation almost dropped her gin and tonic on me and my new Anne Taylor Shirt its the one featured in People Magazine that Ashley Greene from Twilight was wearing. It's a petal shirt and amazing and $88 and my room mate Sarah and I searched internet and Anne Taylor's alike to get me that shirt I regardless of birthday celebrations was not going to have beer spilled on my shirt and bum humped from behind. We then decided at 11:30 that Asian sensation was rather intoxicated and it was best to take her home. We were in Boston for a whole hour and a half. We then took her to PF Changs and made her eat hoping to sober her up some. That did not work and she decided to walk barefoot through the common. She may have hypotitis now regardless of San Diego and I's warnings of to not walk barefoot in the common. During mine and San Diego's venture of getting the Asian Sensation home I received a text from McGee who asked me if I wanted to stay over. Again, we do not have an established booty call or former relationship to establish a reason for a booty call (please see previous post!) so I responded with WHAT?!? He then texts me back as if I did not understand what he meant with : I want you to sleep at my pad. Umm...are you slow? Oh yes you are nevermind. So I respond back with I'm out and I'm helping my drunk friend. He asks if he can help. What are you going to drive from Lynn to Boston and help me walk my drunk friend which I have San Diego to help me with? I think not. I respond with no. He then tells me to call him when I get up. I did not. It was best for me to not stir that pot again. With that I leave you with my last story and I like to think of this one more as a public service announcement as well as just a funny story. Over my time as the MOD (Manager on Duty) weekend for work it was brought to my attention that one of our clients is getting free food vouchers but not because we messed apparently he is sleeping with our slutty night auditor. The one who claims to have been pregnant 3 weeks ago. Apparently that pregnancy did not last and she is off at the gates with her legs wide open. Well she is giving our clients the free food vouchers. Amazing! It was also brought to my attention that this client is booty calling her. AMAZING AGAIN! I bring this to my manager's attention he says that he is going to monitor the free food vouchers going out but it may be best that we let this one go. I was like why? He goes how do I really address that they now have an STD and it's best to get some medication for that? I said true you are very wise what's a few free hamburgers to the life time supply of Valtrex that he will now need. And that my dear reader's is corporate America!

One Month from Today...

Today is April 3, 2010 and one month from today I, Sunny, will turn 29 years old. It will be my last year in my 20's and although I have good skin and hair and can pass for a 24 year old I am not looking forward to this birthday at all. For me this is the official downhill of life... Let's start with the first topic of why I am not looking forward to turning 29 well that would be my health. Although I am a healthy person I go the gym four times a week, I work out with a trainer and I Zumba my little heart out with this new universal Healthcare passing I'm listening to my crazy General Manager go on tangents about how now now with Universal Healthcare if we are fat our doctor's are going to tell the government. There's something about sodium and MSG. I thought to myself I already try to watch my sodium intake I work out four times a week what does the government care if I want to dine out at the Kowloon every once in a while. I'll drink lots of water the next day to flush it out. I have a full time job I pay for my own healthcare I pay my taxes let me eat a cheeseburger from BK if I feel like it! Also, there's the fact that as I get older when I go to the doctor's there are more tests, exams and specialists that I have to see. You have to have your moles check, your peek a chew checked, oh you have heart burn oh you have to go to the gastrologist for that. Then there's your family's health history well between both sides of my family I'm so dying from some sort of cancer. Personally I want to go with my self diagnosed hyper anxiety and just stroke out on the treadmill. And I hate when the doctor after the family history portion asks about what you eat, what do you drink, how much do you drink, do you tan, how many sexual partners have you been with. It's like really back in the 40's no one cared if you drank, ate carbs and lots of red meat you had sex you were merry and then you died. I'm really all about that. I'm really about living for life why because everything gives you cancer! It doesn't matter how much I play by the books how much I don't tan or how much red meat or wine I don't drink I am going to die of some sort of cancer! Because everything gives you cancer! It's ridiculous! Every day, every year there's something new to look out for and be aware of and you know what I am done. I am done living by society's rules and if the doctor is going to inform the government that I drink a massive amount of alcohol for my size eat carbs and dine out at the Outback then let Obama know now! I don't care. And I'm telling you right now that when I turn 50 I am not getting a colonoscopy. I don't care if I have colon cancer I will not have someone put a tube up my bum. Not a finger Not a toy Not a boy goes in that hole. Nope. On to the 2nd reason why I do not want to turn 29 this also has to do with a combonation of two things... the first there is no Mr. in my future to be his Mrs. Which leads to children. I do want to reproduce I certainly do not want to die alone. But I do want to find a Mr. in order to do that and as I turn 29 I pretty much know that my fertility is shot. Pretty much my uterus has been dead since the age of 26 but officially it will only drastically drop and make having kids that much harder. And there is no prospect of a Mr. anywhere in sight. The last time I went out my boob was courtesy grabbed by a German man. Really this is what I have to deal with out there in the single world? My uterus is dying all the good men are gay or already married. And I'm 99% sure that at this point I'm going to leave the world with just my cat and a box of letters from a boy who I loved. How sad and not so very Jane Austin of me. Third, I hate my job. I did the right thing I got good grades I went to college I got a job and what do I do pretty much I take orders from people planning parties. I hate it. I don't care about your daughter's baby shower in June and I certainly don't care about your high school reunion in 2011. And it really gets me when people are like why don't you work on Saturday. Yes no I don't I do have a life. Also, I work with morons. My boss is on Facebook all day playing Farmville and most of the front desk staff I think we got from a special needs program. It's great! This is our future of America no work ethic! Half of my front desk staff sleeps with half of the guests at the hotel. I feel like I work in black hole. Oh wait I do. When I was in college I want to be this big PR person and do these events and really be something. Right now I would prefer to be Ron Livingston's charcater in Office Space and just crunch numbers all day and not deal with a single soul. And smash the fax machine! :) But with all that I am really hope for the economy to change to get out of this shit job or this blog to really take off get a book deal and end up on the round table of the Chelsea Lately show! And now I'm off to drink!

Walgreens

I often declare war against people mostly it's people at work I also one other time declared war against Starbucks because in the month of December I like to go there and get the peppermint syrup into my hot chocolate. I went to the same Starbucks three times in the same week on different days in the afternoon and they were always out of the deliciousness that is the peppermint syrup. I then went to Starbucks.com and wrote a complaint email in which then a customer service person contact me with in 24 hours and I received 5 free hot chocolates and everytime I went to to my Starbucks in the afternoon they always had the peppermint syrup. So yesterday I declared war on Walgreens. I went to my doctor on Friday to have my annual physical. For most woman we have to go and do this because it's the only way we are going to get our birth control pills. And not that I am a raging whore bag but I do feel that is my duty as a female and for the American public to take these little pills and keep from having a child out of wedlock. I like to think of it as my civic duty! It only saves money in your pocket and my own! :) So my doctor sends the perscription over to my Walgreens pharmacy via email. I called Walgreens on Wednesday to see if the perscription was ready for pick up. They said they never received the perscription. I then called my doctor's office and left a message that Walgreens never got the perscription. The next day the nurse at my doctor's office, Denise calls me and tells me that she just got off the phone with Walgreens and that the perscription is all set and that when I call I just have to make sure I say "E-Perscription." I said okay great! I then call Walgreens to see if my perscription is ready for pick up. I get man on the phone he asks me my last name and my date of birth. I give him both. He says very short and abrubt, "No -Nothing." I was like are you sure it's under the E-Perscriptions I just got off the phone with my doctor's office and she said it's there. He again says No Nothing very curt and short. I was like please how can this be I just got off the phone with her it has to be there. He's like no it's not here not my problem. I ask to speak with a manager. He claims he is the manager. I was like GREAT! So I then asked if he could ask if anyone spoke with my doctor's office and I gave the name. Instead he just screams my last name and pronounces it WRONG! He adds dom to the last name! In which I then snap and I said are you retarded? Who does that? You don't scream my last name in a pharmacy and then prounounce it wrong! He goes because you are yelling at me. I was like I am not yelling at you I'm just a loud talker. Which I am people claim I am yelling all the time it's just the way my voice is! It's loud. Get over it. Why do you people have to be so sensitive to sound. Anyways, he then puts me on hold and says that I'm crazy I was like "Sir, I can hear you!" He was like yeah well you're mean. Seriously! If you are going to talk about me put me on hold properly and let me hear the music! Don't talk about me when I can hear you. To make a long story short. He finally finds it and he says the insurance kicked it back because it was not ready to be refilled and 19th it would be done. I said thanks and hung out. I was so furious I decided to go to Walgreens.com and lodge a complaint. A few hours later the manager for the Walgreens that I had the altercation with called me and I explained what happened. I told him about me and my civic duty to keep my birth control pills filled and how I am only trying to help his wallet and mine by not having a child. He was laughing he was like I can see you have a good sense of humor to you. I said yes I do. I could see he understood me and had a real good head on his shoulders! I then continue to explain the story at this point I am calm and rational and I tell him that I realize I should not have called the pharmacists a retard but I was getting heated because he was not helping me solve my perscription issues. He said he completely agreed and asked what he could do I for some odd reason always associate my pills with also have to buy a box of tampons so I said I'd like a free box of tampons. I think the store manager was taken back. He was like okay I'll get a coupon out in the mail for you. I was like great! I realized after talking to my office mate that I should have asked for a gift certificate. DAMN! But I still have to go and pick up my perscription at Walgreens we shall see if it's ready! Stay tuned!!!!

Things I have Learned....

I learned today that it is never wise to flush cat liter down the toilet even though it makes sense at the time and seems easier but kitty liter does not flush well and you will have to call the maintenance guy to snake your toilet....very embarassing especially when he then writes "resident flushed kitty liter down toilet causing a clog." Can we say AWKWARD!!!! :)

How can one say Canada doesn't suck?

Let me start out by giving the US Olympic Team for earning more medals in the Vancouver Olympics than Team Canada. YEA!!!!!


In more news about Canada sucking, I have one question- what the hell were you thinking with the opening and closing ceremonies? I get the host nation uses their celebs in it, but you have no body. Avril Lavigne is the best you can get? Really?! Atleast the China Olympics Jackie Chan was rocking out in his all his tiny man glory. Another "celeb" that Canda is wayyy to proud to call their own would be Nickelback.  That country should be ashamed that they bred and grew these pathetic excuses for men. And then I'm watching the opening ceremonies, and KD Lang comes out singing. Seriously...KD Friggin Lang. Where the f has this broad been for the past 15 years? By the looks of it, probably the McDonalds drivethrough everyday for the past 15 years.

And how about that damn Bode Miller who actually got his sh*t together and won a sh*t load of medals...plus hes from New Hampshire. Shout out to the Granite State!

Curling- It's not a sport. Seriously. It isn't.  Anyone with a half a brain can sweep. Even those who hunt for Caribou in urban neighborhoods. And no, that is not a gangsta reference thank you very much.

I don't care that Johnny Weir wears pink. He backed up with a great performance. Didn't medal and placed worse than this ra-tarded canadian who fell about 10 times during his short and long performances. Again, Canda sucks. Thats the theme of this.

Though he isn't Canadian, he still sucks. This would be none other than Evegini Plushenko.  Guy is hating on Evan who got a gold and should just go back to his snow covered land and stay there forever.

Hockey- Canada barely beat us at the only sport they know how to play. They had the game and then let us score with like 10 seconds left of regulation. That should been the sign to Canada that they do suck. We probably would have one if Team USA was full of guys from Boston like they had in Lake Placid, but I digress.

It's always good to meet someone who is worse off then you! ha ha!

I have this "friend" who we refer to as PP. PP is short for Peter Parker which is not even his real name. Peter is his first name but he has a Polish last name that I saw once and can't remember for the life of me. Anyways me and the PP met back in 2007 at my birthday party. A mutual friend had invited him and another friend of his. When I met the PP I was highly intoxicated and pretty much was making with anything male that passed by me. Well I made out with him and attempted to date PP. But because I was always going out and getting drink I and PP pretty much established more of a booty call relationship. Althought it did take a good 6 months before I actually had sex with him prior to that it was more of making out and courtesy licks. Then one day his crazy ass girlfriend called me up and told me she was PP's girlfriend. Being that I am not a fighter with my fists and more with words and then run away I decided that it would be best to deny anything and let it go and never speak to the PP again. Well of course that did not happen although I did not make any contact with him he to this date will text me. And through the years basically I have come to the realization that PP and his girlfriend are a two hot messes who basically cheat on one another and fight and are crazy yet stay together even though they clearly sleep with other people. I one day ran into PP's girlfriend at a local restaurant and got the great satisfaction that during my affair with PP I was the hot mistress. Although I have way smaller boobs then her my face does not look like it was hit with the ugly stick she has 3 chins a bad blonde dye job and oh yeah she's fat. And I'm not talking cute chubby booty either I'm talking like how does she tie her shoes fat. I got great satisfaction out of this. But whatever. I then had one of my chats with the PP the other day to find out that he and the Crazy girlfriend actually live together now and play house although she sleeps with other men and he sleeps with other women. I was like why are you together? And why do you pay rent if you claim to not even like her or like sleeping in the same bed as her and end up at your parents house all the time. He claims to be like a battered wife where he can't get away. I'm like okay you are just an idiot. Now I've lived in the adult world and there is nothing more that I can't stand that what PP is. Like be self sufficient and move out and get a new place with a friend and go from there. Like why do you have to live with her. Like stand up for yourself you must like her in some way if you have been together now for 7 years. He then tells me that he told her that he has said she's not getting an engagement ring. I highly doubt that and forsee a cubic zirconian in her future. He also says he tries to break up with her but it's really hard. I clearly find this to be the opposite. You say I'm sorry I physically can't not stand your prescence please never call me again and you move on. I do this for both when I am the dumper or when I'm getting dumped. I've only really had one complicated breakup where I remained friends after the breakup. But mostly like Charlotte I say if you don't want to be with me then how can we be friends it doesn't make sense. Back to PP he claims that he is working on breaking up with frying pan face. I beg to differ. But I went to a restaurant with my friends last night and she was working. Her face still heinous and her body is not as fat as it was the time I saw her. Her hair was still bad. But overall I still won! Yeah me! Ha ha! I'm still cuter. Not that I care but it's just the principle that I attempt to keep my shit together and she does not at all. I then drank with my friends and sang country music! :)

Don't Play a Player...You will just end up Played!

So I had my date with McGee the other night and I must say it was alot worse than I had anticipated! First, he picked me up which was a shock I hate the people who do that let's meet up. No if it's a date then you can pick me up. So at least he did that one thing right! So he picks me up and has his rap music playing. I find this quite annoying not that I don't enjoy a good Luda or Jay-Z every now and again but I always feel it's best to stick with popular music that may not sound like noise. And I think this was hardcore rap because I did not reconize any of it. He then drives us to the Ninety Nine for dinner. The Ninety Nine? Really? Can we get any cheaper? I mean how about a date to McDonald's. Well the Ninety Nine is not all that horrible but I do have a major thing against first dates in a chain restaurant. Especially when you live in Boston you have millions of options to be creative and find a place really creative and well good to eat at. So he chose the Ninety Nine I immediatly texted my cubicle mate who knows about this debactle of a date. She was like you should leave now. But I didn't I chose to stay and see what was going to happen plus damn me he drove. Anyways we chatted about work and all the many rumors of the women he's slept with in which I then got to hear to great stories of his sexcapades. Awkward! Which after hearing one of the stories I don't understand men at all even more. Like how can you sleep with someone when prior in the evening you were getting her friends number. Insane! Anyways so he did pay for the meal. Another plus. And I was like oh so what do you want to do and he suggested my apartment. Which was fine because my room mate Sarah was home and I thought it best for her to protect me from the creaton boy. So he comes over to the place and like sits right next to me on the couch as now I've put an episode of Chelsea Lately on because I feel like Chelsea would only understand my pain. He then tells Sarah and I that we should get blue lights for the apartment. Umm..what am I going to make my apartment into a night lounge! Yeah I'm all set. I think Sarah often heard me tell him "You're an Idiot!" many times. Many times. Anyways often lots of inappropriate touching and me pushing me off of him and Sarah feeling awkward he decided to use my bathroom and take a big shadoobie there. I didn't realize it at the time because I was in Sarah's room telling her that she was not allowed to go to bed and that nothing is to happen between him and I because again his is a bottom feeder and potential walking STD. Also, at this point I really want to drink but I can't drink because I make horrible decisions when I do drink excessivly and when I drink I often listen to country music and then think whatever debactle I am in will end up like the country song. For instance I don't ever want to wake up not knowing my own name like in the Carrie Underwood song. But I have tried to take a Louisville Slugger to some head lights but realized I do not have alot of upper body strength and grew tired and moved on. My new song is the Lady Antebelum song "Need you now" but I feel its wise to never drunk dial and then sing country music to get a booty call they tend to think you are derranged and don't sing Taylor Swift either they think you are a stalker. Anyways after he came out I went to go to the bathroom and realized that he sprayed my perfum and I gagged when I went in cause it was too much then after my nose cleared from the imense scent of Pure Seduction by Victoria's Secret I realized that he shadoobied in my bathroom. Umm...nasty WHO DOES THAT!!!! After that I was like okay I think it's time for you to go and walked him to the front of my building where he then proceeded to tell me mind you after I had be declining his pawing all night that he was not attracted to me and thought of me as a sister and tried to kiss me to see if anything would fly. Umm... no you bag you got turned down I called you Ross as in Ross Geller from Friends and that I was Monica so I totally called the brother card first and I refuse to kiss you because you may have herpes. No thank you! I just took the blow politely and agreed that it was best to remain friends and went back to my apartment and took a shower in hot water and bleach! After telling some of my friends the story they asked me if I was ever going to speak to McGee again. I said yes because really I don't like him I don't care if he likes me and wants me and to be honest he provides alot of entertainment with his sexcapades at work. But in all honestly I will never try to out play a player again because in the end he will always get you in some way so he ends up on top! To him I give him the bag of the week award and I am okay with that! :)

I am a DUMB ASS...

I, Sunny am a DUMB ASS! Why? You ask. Well I seem to have gotten myself into a slight predictament. Let me establish some back ground for you... I have been friends with "Charlie McGee" for some time now. Approximatly 5 years. For about 2 years I just thought he was the cats meow. Then I woke up realized he is a man whore and moved on with my life and fell deeply in love with another man to only break up cause that's what you do and end up here. At this point I'm at a cross road I don't really have anyone but there's another person in my life I'm apparently waiting for. Anyways... McGee who is a white boy yet favors himself to be black for the past three weekends has called me trying to establish a "booty call." I will not booty with his call. For multiple reasons being that we work together and he sleeps with everyone at work and he has slept with a girl who has straight up said that she has genital warts. Now, why would I put my hooch in that position - I WOULD NOT! So to call McGee's bluff I on Monday afternoon asked him out on a date. I specifically said oh since you think you can booty call me on the weekends why don't you take me out this Friday night. Dinner and Movie. A date was set up. Now, in my mind I thought oh he will not show up or cancel because he is shallow and knows that he is not getting any below the belt action. Guess what? It's friday and I just text the sugar plum if we were still on and we are. Hence why I am a dumb ass! I so do not want to go on this date. Although he is a great friend I just personally want to throw up at the thought of him in that way. He is not hideous I mean if you put me on an island and I either had to deal with FUPA or McGee I'd take McGee any day. But my dumb ass tried to out play the player and god I got played! Stay tuned for my update on this incredible night....

FUPA I have a Question for you....

Why are you a dousche bag? And is vaginal odor a constant thing in your life or just since the summer when you became one?

FUPA Hits the Gym

My previous roommate to Sarah was FUPA. As you know from my previous posts that FUPA has some severe issues mentally along with her buldging belly. Apparently unlike when a guy and a girl break up there are no clear rules on the girl break up. I say you should take it like any divorce or break up try to avoid that person in all shapes and forms. For me this is always best because I can be some what tempestious- okay I'm a down right bitch. The high road can be very difficult for me when a person like FUPA gives me so much to not only make fun of but to point out to others and make fun of and to clearly just continue to point out and make that person cry. Also, Sarah has the unfortunate case of working with FUPA. So in order to keep Sarah from getting in the middle I try to avoid FUPA at all costs. Apparently, FUPA is dumb and does not apply the same rules to herself and avoid me at all costs. I belong to a gym. I have belonged to this specific gym for 3years now. It is right next to my work and on my way home from work so that after work I can just go to the gym. This has been my routine for the past 3 years. I am friendly towards much of the staff at this gym and even this past year decided to hire a trainer. I now workout there with a trainer which I highly recomend due to the fact that now I use the machines and weights and have a professional spotting me so that I do not end up killing myself. I don't like to speak to much of the other patrons of the gym due to the fact that I really don't care about them. But, in fact I do enjoy my gym and the staff there. So yesterday after working out with my trainer I am coming out of the locker room and who do I see with her pug like red face and pregnant-esque looking belly - why it's none other than FUPA! In my mind I thought when I walk by her I'm totally going to say "Is somebody here to try to get rid of their FUPA?" But due to Sarah I did not. I just walked by FUPA and said Hi. Clearly taking the higher road for my friend. I then continued to leave and went home in which I then told Sarah of my encounter. In which Sarah brought up some key points the first it's great she's trying to get healthy and lose the FUPA but why my gym there are millions of gyms why not go to a gym that is closer to her current residence? Also, she asked if even at the gym she had a FUPA and I said no she did not her gym pants are elastic and stretch and do not create the FUPA like her American Eagle size 12 when she's an 18 do. Sarah also informed me that my gym is free reign she can not hold me back at the gym if I run into FUPA again. And it's MY GYM I have been a consistant member there for 3 years 4 times a week! I trump FUPA! And I am paying an extreme amount of money for staff members to work out with me I trump FUPA and her use of the treadmill. With that people I grant you this if I do run into FUPA again there will be a snide comment made and then I shall tell you about it! That is my promise to you!

Porno Stash Larry Part Deux

Alas, I have some very sad news - Sarah and I have moved out of our crack shack and into a nice luxury apartment complex. With our move we no longer have our daily glimpse of the shadow that is Porno Stash Larry. *Tear* Anyways, I do have a final story for you and our encounters with the man we have known to love as Porno Stash Larry. The week Sarah and I were moving to our new apartment we could not bring alot of the items we had for instance my gas grill. I asked the boys next door if they would like to have it for their apartment. The of course said yes. A free 1 year old grill is not something to pass on. Anyways - the day I went to ask them about the grill I thought it was James in his truck when I went out and said hey James who turns and looks at me why Porno Stash Larry. I jumped! Why because he at this point was not growing a BEARD!!!! He now has his peach fuzz porn stash and some sort of serial killer beard going on. I was like oh hey Larry! Can you tell James and Sam that they can take the grill anytime along with the lawn equipment here on the back porch. Larry smiles -- his teeth are bright yellow and then says "Sure, Sweetie." I then realize that Larry is not just a porno stash but with the beard the yellow teeth and the "Sure, Sweetie!" along with that and very rarely leaving the house he is clearly a serial killer. And I ran back into the house. Someday Sarah and I will be watching the news and see our friend PSL on the TV and go well we knew it from the beard there was something wrong with him! But for now we bid you good bye! We will miss you!!!!

Why I love Reality TV

I love reality tv for a few reasons. 1- Its entertaining. You can watch a freak show from the comfort of your own house and not have to worry about a stabbing or taking a suckerpunch to the face. 2- It makes you feel better about yourself. 3- Who doesnt like to watch a trainwreck they know they shouldnt watch but cant stop looking at? I have some great examples of these shows that I'm more than obssessed with. JERSEY SHORE Now, just look at this pic. Don't these look like 2 young sophisticated people who got to live in house for free for the summer...and the house was above...a t-shirt shop? Yea, nothing says "I've made it in the world" more than being the iron on boy/girl at the local beach shop. Wonder how many booty shorts they printed "jersey shore" or "seaside" on across the rear ends, which as we all know, is another example of the classy-est clothing out there. These 8 people also gave me my new favorite club/bar move- the fist pump. Nothing, and I mean nothing, will make your friends laugh as hard as when you try to embody the spirit of Snookie and start fist pumping in a bar somenite. It's always a crowd pleaser, even if they are laughing at you, not with you. This is Boston. Not Seaside. Walk around here with a blowout and you'll get a cap in your a$$. And to see how these people think they are walking gods and goddessees is just another level of great entertainment. In one episode, Angelina said she doesnt want to work at the t-shirt shop because "shes a bartender. this is beneath me. i do great things". Now, I love my booze and without bartenders, our bars would be boring, but really Angelina? Its not like your curing cancer behind the bar or anything so get off your high horse. And then we have all their lingo. The battlefield= the dance floor. Grenade= the ugly other friend. The robbery= stealing your friends girl. They might as well just make a websters dictionary "jersey shore" edition! Frank the Entertainer! Atleast I know I wont be living in my parents basement at age 30. Thats really the only good thing about this trainwreck of a show TOUGH LOVE Where do they find these women? Like really, where do they find them? This show has some pretty good producers who really scour the nation for the most trainwrecked, insecure ladies around. I get it that everyone has their flaws and insecurities, but these chicks take it to awhole new level.We just finished season 2 and I felt like I wanted to bitchslap most of the ladies throughout the season. Theres this one broad named Rocky whos basically a fame whore and thinks her 10 yr is the next Mily Cyrus and she thinks shes the next female version of Bret Michaels. Like really, stop dressing like a ra-tard and raise your kid properly. We had Alicia, who is 30 something and only wants to date in their earl 20s. Cougar much?? Liz, who probably had animals living in her beehive. I think she got hair lessons from Amy Winehouse. And Angel, the stripper whos family didnt know she was stripper and Steve made her tell them. Boo ya Steve! And Lets not forget all the great catchy quotes Steve says. My favorite was that a lady shouldnt high five a guy, unless "she wants to have 'just friends' tattoo'd across her fingers" CAKE BOSS If you thought your family was f'd up, you clearly havent seen this show. No family goes from two timing each other to hugging more than the crew at Carlos Bakery in Hoboken, NJ. Now, the fact that its in Jersey should be a dead give away to the classyness that we all know and love about Jersey.

This is what happens when your waitress doesnt fill your wine glass

So a few weeks ago, myself, Sunny, and her roomie Sarah go into Boston for a girls nite of dinner and dessert. We start out at nice little restaurant thats kind of like an upscale-ish American cuisine. The food is always good and its right by the common so its easy enough to get to. Sunny really wanted like 1 glass of wine and the waitress just never came by our table after she had decided upon this. And when she did come by, Sunny always forgot to ask for a glass. It was bad back and forth game. After dinner we head to where we wanted to do dessert, but the place had like an hour and a half wait so we went decided to check out the wait at the dessert place on the other end of the block. Apparently my short irish charm worked and we got a table right away even though the party ahead of us was told there were no tables at all and they had to wait an hour. HAHA! But then the host found a bunch of tables and seated everyone, so my charm didn't come in handy...this time. So the 3 of us are just enjoying the orgy of desserts on the table in front of us when we decide to talk about baby bjorns, but for cats. We proceeded to get into a deep convo of all the perks of one and how we want to purchse one for Sunny to have and put her cat in and go food shopping & how I should tag along and video the whole thing because the world needs to realises cats are kids also. They have just as much right to tag along with mom and dad to the food store like a screaming and kicking kid does. We also feel this can be our claim to fame and get us on People of Walmart but thats just our life long goal anyway. I thought Sunny would have to purchase a baby bjorn meant for a child but put a cat in it..until Sarah sent me this pic the following day: Seriously...this exists? How sick is our society that people want to put a cat in one of these? The damn thing has 4 legs. I can get putting a kid in it as they only have 2 but 4? Jeysuz, thats more than enough to carry the light bodies around!

i heart Sausage Fests

So the night after Christmas, me and the Asian Persuasion wanted to hit up Boston. We were already inviting David Beckham so I hit up Ralph since he usually doesnt turn down a night of drinking to join us. Since its the night right after a holiday, the bar is kind of low key and makes for perfect view to either people watch or just talk. So we are sitting at the bar, having our drinks, having a good time when I realise that all the guys in the bar are definetly 35+ and there is way more guys than girls in the bar. The gods had decided to c*ckblock me by putting me in a bar full of men who are 10+ years older than me. This prompts me to say "Its like a sausage fest in here!". I must have said it pretty loudly because the guy next to the Asian Persuasion turns his head, looks right at me, has his eyes very wide open and starts nodding his head up and down. So I ask, "Are you glad its a sausage fest?" and he goes "Ohh yea" and does the head nod and then reaches over to give me a high five! He was glad about the fest, I would have been if they younger and not obssessed with college football. Later in the night, I notice a guy sitting all by himself sitting at the bar drinking my favorite drink- a big bottle of Magners. The problem? The guy was definetly wearing a leather jacket like an axe murderer who will leave your body in an alley would wear. So as I debate whether he is Michael Myers without the mask, David Beckham grabs a bottle of windex from the waitress station and thinks about asking said axe murderer if he wants his jacket cleaned. I was lucky enough to convince him to not spray, wipe, spray because I want to be able to go back to that bar, thank you very much. Towards the end of the night, me and Asian Persuasion decide to check out the dance room and see whts going back there. BAD IDEA. The minute we step past there 2 guys come out of no where and start humping us endless even after we started laughing and said "YEa no, this dance aint happening". This forces us to leave the dance room and go to the bar, but out of some miracle from the hate gods, these two ra-tards pop up and need one last grind session before leaving us alone. It was kind of tramatizing to be attacked from all angles on a dance floor.

Why I Hate Cat People

*I should first put a disclaimer up that I am not talking about my friends, most of whom do have cats. I am discussing the douches who I see at the store I work in* I hate cat people because they stand in front of the canned cat food and talk to themselves out loud about how fussy "pussy galore" is and then start asking if I have any cans of "tuna only". Umm no. Theres definetly 100 cans of fish right in front of you and they tell me no, it must be tuna. Ok, Tuna is a fish you stupid ra-tard and also, its a friggin cat. What the hell do you mean its fussy. Open the damn can, throw it in a bowl and it will be eaten. It is an animal. Really, whos wearing tha pants in your house? You, the human, or a 8 lb prissy animal that walks about with a stick up its a$$ and sleeps all day. But go down the baby food aisle and Prunes is miraculously always sold out. So kids (who are human) are forced to eat prunes, but pussy galore can pick between having minced meat or chunky meat and if we dont have the particular one pussy wants, you will write a complaint letter to corporate saying the compant hates cats. I wish we did, then I wouldnt have to deal with you first thing in the morning.

What do you do for a living? Oh I'm a retard specialists, I work wtih adult retards day in and day out and I am not talking the Special Needs either!

Today is one of those days where I think to myself "Sunny, what drugs are these people on? And how do we hire them?"Sometimes I just feel we should have a stricter screening processes for our employees because we do let them speak with the public and for some of these numb nuts that's a scary thought. Let's start with the rampant pregnancies this week. Or I should say just one. I have one dumbass getting knocked up and telling everyone that she doesn't know who the father is. It could be two guys and she doesn't know how she got pregnant since she used the morning after pill. Now why would you tell your boss this information? If I were pregnant and potentially not keeping or had to not keep it because I took the morning after pill. Like this is stuff I did not want to know at 8 o'clock in the morning especially after I asked hey how you doing? I really don't care I was just being polite. But at that moment I entered the Twilight Zone and I was entered into trailor park and surrounded by white trash! Great! I have some of my staff on vacation this week. I ask my banquet manager to be a team player and help set up the bar. No bar was set up and I am lugging glasses and bottles of liquor in 3 inch heels. As my banquet manager stares at me like a deer caught in the headlights muttering Spanglish. Then I am scheduling some of bartenders and apparently one took the day off to work so I can't schedule her she may be hung over. Really cause St. Patrick's day is not until March 17th. So don't complain about not having money or people not tipping to me. Thanks! Yes I may have an anuerism today. Then there's my boss who obsesses about her weight and goes and sees a Voo Doo to get a $250 dollar shot in her ass so she doesn't get cravings to eat. She can only 500 calories a day and no carbs. To this I say she is crazy! Kudos on the losing of the weight but eat right and exercise a magic shot and no carbs will not do it! Also, I found out today that my former assistant, a troll looking woman with moles to boot who I one time black out in anger and three my 4 inch stiletto at is not engaged for the second time. I wonder how long this engagement will last. The last man she was engaged to she met on the internet moved in after a month and after of living together were engaged. She also used to feed his child wine so he would go to sleep at like 6 o'clock at night. The relationship lasted year. And she now has her new man. This woman is like the Liz Taylor of the troll world. I often think her and Ruth would be great pals but alas even Ruth doesn't like her! I then got an email from Sarah my room mate that Ruth's man came to take her to lunch today. Apparently he brought along his two dogs. I felt bad for these kind animals who do nothing but are loyal and loving to this man why would he make them stare at Ruth's Fupa and why does he stick them in the car as they eat Qdoba? Both are wrong and are forms of Animal Cruelty. And that's just a taste of the retards I work with! I need a new job with new people I can learn to dislike!

Are you there vodka? Its me Katie and I'm surrounded by Douches

2 weekends ago turned into a big group shindig in Boston. We ended up at a college bar right next to Boston Common where basically everyone in there was a student @ Suffolk or Emerson..or so we thought. I didnt realise the "Med" Students from 2 blocks over were in the house. So we are this bar which is crammed, but the music is going and we are all dancing the night away. A few people in the group head downstairs for a more low-key experiences and eventually we all end up down there. Now before I continue, let me give you a visual of numbers. There are 5 girls and 2 guys in our group. This complete douche-y looking guy goes up to one of my friends (we are all standing in a circle) and asks her how we all met. Now she is very very quick witted and I love it. She says to, dead seriously, "We all met on Craigslist" and I chime in with my 5 cents by then adding, "Yea, the Random Encounters page to be exact!" and she addes fuel to the fire by pointing to one of our friends who was over at the bar and proceeding to tell said douche "That guy is our pimp so you have to talk to him to talk to us". This guy proceeds to pull out a $5 bill and offer it to any 2 girls that will kiss. Really buddy? $5 for a girl on girl kiss to happen once? Go buy a porn and and watch it as many times as you want! He then doesnt get the hint that we are messing with him big time and starts telling us his life story. OK, I'm missing fist pumping to "Tik Tok" for you, so this better be good! He then proceeds to say "I go to Tufts. Its a Medical School!". NO way! I had no idea Tufts had that. Wow, do you want a cookie?! So we ask what field he wants to pursue post Med School and he tells us he is in Dental School. OK- BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MED SCHOOL & DENTAL SCHOOL! Like just say "Im in Dental School". Sunny didn't believe him and got close and said his teeth were pretty nasty for one who wants to be a dentist and that she wouldn't let a guy with those teeth work on her. But the more important fact of this all is that he is basically the dude from the Hangover who is a dentist and tries to check into his room in Vegas as "Doctor" when his buddy blows his cover & tells the desk clerk that hes not a real doctor, but indeed a dentist. So later in the night, me, sunny & our friend of the Asian Persuasion are all dancing upstairs again when all of a sudden this douche re-appears, pulls out $20 and offers it to us to leave our Asian Persuaian alone with him. I let Sunny chew his a$$ verbally while I grab my little pint sized friend and was forced to do violation dances with her in order for this man to think we don't like men. If he only knew are really into men and fear turning into real life Cougars. Who offers money like that? He really thought we were hookers who met on Craigslist! What a ra-tard! So later in the night, 5 of us decide to stop by the North End for some late night pastries since 3 of the people have an hour long journey back to New Hampshire. I'm in the bakery with the girls. Two decide to leave and go to another bakery. I don't want anything, so I decide to be noisy and stand outside the bakery and watch a cop write a ticket to drunk 2 girls who won't pay their taxi fare. Meanwhile, Ralph is driving in circles around the North End because there is no where to park in that neighborhood! Ralph calls me, but I'm pretty consumed with the drunk girl drama going on, not to mention I was chatting to a cute guy who was equally into it as I was. The girl is saying she doesn't $15 for her cab fare but is holding her debit card in her hand. RA-TARD MUCH? The Cop tells her he will rip it up if she pays and she continues to cry she doesn't have it and then calls the cop a really bad word. Yea, it was colorful. OK, thats like rule 1 if your in that sitation. Sweet talk them. Don't bad talk to them. Your a girl. Cry. It works a lot. I eventually realise I don't want Ralph to leave me in the North End at 2AM so I jump in his car, and we find the rest of the crew. He said he was about to leave us and he didn't know why I didnt get in his car earlier but then he saw I was busy chatting up a cute guy and I got a big high five from the girls in the back seat.

Turtle or Crew Neck?

My friend and I were one day chatting about how people can be inappropriate especially at times one's boss. Well she told me how her boss one day mentioned to her that her cousin (as in her boss's cousin) who was in his 60's decided that at the age of 60+ was going to be circumsized. I looked at her and I said really at the age of 60+ this man decided he wanted to go from being a turtleneck to a crew neck? Does he know once he makes that change he can't go back? I mean at that age was he really like yeah I'm going to rock it out crew style just chop that piece off? Who does that? I can see if it was for a medical reason but maybe you shouldn't tell your family that you're getting your man-hood worked on...am I wrong? Creepy!

Ruth

My former roommate Ruth she still haunts me to this day. Mostly because my current roommate who I shall call Sarah works with her and tells me the stupidity that is Ruth. Ruth is a special kind of moron. As well documented she consistently rocks a FUPA with Camel Toe, Visible Panty Line and rocks nipple rings. Aside from her "What Not To Wear" moments Ruth has the personality of a rock. Let me give you a brief synopsis of how stupid Ruth is. Ruth married a man in jail. During "ding dong's" time in jail she had a chocolate lover. She and her choocolate lover would bang and shake the apartment and eat pizza and use my Wii bowling when in fact they should have been using the Wii fit to get rid of the spare tire if you know what I mean, wink wink! Ding dong was released from the can and placed back with Ruth. She dumped her chocolate lover to the side and resumed her life totally around Ding Ding and his aparent delerium bubble where he would become a millionaire off of "shit" energy drinks that he purchased from a pyramid scheme type company. She made him Dinosaur shaped Chicken Nuggets and French fries every night. Ruth obviously ate the same thing every night if you know what I mean cause the Fupa kept growing! At night she would snack on beef jerky as he would work all nights on the computer on his energy drink business. Now, I am no business mogule but I know a dumb idea when I see one and this was a dumb idea. I truly don't think he was really working on his "business" late nights on the computer more like looking up illegal porn and hunting down younger 20 year old woman to bang. I also think that if you are eating beef jerky at night in bed alone when you are "married" you 1.) may be heading for divorce court because you should be getting in on with your hubby and not a piece of dried meat and 2.) you are going to have sodium issues! Alas, Ding Dong's energy drink idea never quite took off in the year he was out of the can and he turned back to fast times and high crime with robbing a woman for $50 and her Prius (granted he would have great milage on that car) and went back to jail. Ruth was in utter shock and disbelief how could he do this when clearly he was so stable before when their marriage took place in a State Prison visiting room. Really Ruth really? Did you think it was going to be like Jennifer and Brad? Everyone has an Angelina. Remember that!

Porno Stash Larry

I live next door to 3 young guys. Two of the young guys I see and chat with all the time. The third guy, Larry I have only seen once. His truck never moves and I've actually never seen him go in or out of the house more then that one time. In the one occasion where I saw Larry I also notice that is rocks a black peach fuzz porno stash. My roommate also noticed the porno stash and how in each of our one occasion where we met him and chatted with him we could not stop staring at the top of his lip. We also have this on going obsession on how Larry's truck never leaves the driveway and how we have met his girlfriend but yet we never see them move from the house ever. It's an obsession. It's also an obsession is how his girlfriend makes out with him when he is rocking a peach fuzz porno stash. So the other morning I was listening to my favorite morning show "Matty in the Morning" in which they have a segment called "Right Now" where the listeners call in to discuss what is happening to them right now. Well a young man named Larry called in. This immediatly made my ears perk up could this by my Larry next door rocking his porno stash. In all honesty not many young men this days have the name Larry. I then roamed around my house seeing if I could glare into the house next door to see if it was Larry chatting with my morning show. Well Larry was telling the Matty show that he had taken Friday off from work and went down to Providence with his friends. I perked up more crawling on the wall seeing if I can I Spy the Porn Stash. Anyways, Larry continues to say that he had a quote crazy time and on Monday had to take work off again because he had some "skin irratation." Apparently Larry does not remember rubbing his junk up against what I am quite sure was a lovely lady of the Providence night and now has an STD. I knew then it had to be my neighbor. What woman of Providence could resist his peach fuzz porno stash it just screams rub your STD ridden va-jay-jay all over me. Poor Larry he didn't know that his stash would create such a stir among the ladies of Providence. And now he has to use alot of cream and a big blue pill called Valtrex. Very sad. I wait for the day that Larry comes out of the house again and I will ask him if he's been to Providence lately. He may wonder how i know or how I noticed he left the house. Either way I think we can all learn from Larry that Porno stashes repel the woman of Massachusetts away from you but down in Providence, RI they give you ruffies and rub their STD's all over you. They just can't resist the Porno Stash!

I have no luck on New Years Eve

I have 2 very different stories about 2 different New Years Eve's for you. These were back to back years. I hope you feel my pain. When we rang in 2008, I was in Ireland. And before you start asking youself what that party was like I'll cut to chase and let you know that many many pints of Bulmers (Or Magners as its called Stateside) and Jagerbombs were consumed on this particular New Years Eve. So I'm on this great trip to visit my cousins and see another part of Ireland I had never been to before. During the course of my stay, I had become friends with some of my cousins friends. So we head out to the Roost and we are all having a good time. Drinking and chatting away. I'm loving it. At one point earlier this day before we were out celebrating, my cousin Laura makes a joke that we should find me a fella for midnight and I jokingly say back 'Hell yea', thought maybe I wasn't joking after all? No really, if I had come back to Boston with a great kiss story, great, if not, I still had a "wicked good time". Well I didnt think I was going to come home with a story of how my midnite moment really went. Back to being at the pub drinking away- so we are doing our thing. Before I know it, my friend Amy said she was running to toilet so since I was drinking and breaking the seal happens, I went along. I open the door to the toilet and ask her if she knows what time it is. She thought it was 11.30 and so didnt I. Meanwhile some chick in there tells me its actually 11.45. "Ok, I have 15 minutes to get out of here and ring in the New Year with everyone" I thought to myself. Until the chick who told me it was 11.45 proceeds to leave the toilet and when I hear the door open to the pub all I hear is the entire pub doing the countdown and I say "WTF Amy. Its Midnite and we are in the toilet!" and her response? "Ahh it's going to be midnite all night!". Cheers Amy. So first trip out of Boston for New Years and thats how I rang it in. Later in the night I ended up at a gaf party with everyone. Me, Laura and Eoin leave the house and are heading to Laura's when Eoin realises he didn't see me at midnite, so he asks me where I was. My answer? "I was in the f*cking bathroom with Amy!". I yelled this pretty loudly at about 3 am on a maain road in her town. Pretty sure the Gards were wondering why an American was yelling about being a f-ing bathroom. So the next year comes and I am determined to not make the same mistake of spending the countdown in a bathroom, in a stall, on a toilet and or any other combination of those things. I am in New Hampshire partying my a$$ off. I look at the clock a lot to make sure I time my bathroom breaks perfectly. Its 11.30 so I know I have to go then or hold it another 35 minutes and at this point, I had a lot of adult beverages and waiting that long was not an option, unless your the crazy NASA astraunat who wore a diaper so she drive the zillion miles between Texas and Key West or wherever the hell it is in Florida was headed for so she could confront her fellow NASA lover with his girl on the side. OK that got confusing. Have to stay focused here- So its 11.30 and I head downstairs and queue up for the toilets. The ladies line is not moving and I just saw like 10 chicks lock themselves into the handicap bathroom, which is seperate from the mens and ladies rooms. Thats kind of awkward but was every mans fantasy who were drinking in the downstairs bar. So my friends friend was at the door of mens room. He had on a suit so I figured he was a somebody and either owned the place or managed it. This made me trust him. He tells me there is no one in the mens room and I can use it and he will make sure no guys go in for like a minute or two while I tinkle. I go in, and there is 1 stall and like 10 urinals. So I run into the 1 stall, do my thing, and right when I'm about to open the stall door, a line of men come in. Now, as much as I wish I had the balls to walk out, I didn't. I'm standing there trying to see figure out how to get out of this situation and still make it upstairs for midnite when I hear one guy tell his buddy, while each were holding their own family jewels, that his friend has to 'help him ditch the fat chick who wont leave him alone'. WTF? These guys are worse than girls. I would wait til the night was over to bash a fugly man who was bothering me. Manners gentlemen! So all the men do their thing and leave. I run out of the stall, wash my hands and head for the door faster than a fat kid runs who sees a double choclote chip muffin. Once out the door, I see a definete hillbilly ask me what I was doing in there and I just say "Wouldn't you like to know", winked, and went back upstairs where I made it to my table by 11.45 and in time to get my champagne glass filled. Suprinsingly, I remember the whole night also.

Man Cougs Awards 2010

We dispise Man Cougs. You should know this by reading the first post in this blog. Here is our list of the creepiest Man Cougs: Hugh Hefner- Still a level 1 Bret Michaels- He's wearing more lipstick than I wear Quagmire- The Giggity Giggity Goo Perv Mel Gibson- Do I really need to list all the reasons? Like Really? George Steinbrenner- Take those 20 something rings and shove it George-y! Bernie Madoff- Ponzi Schemer's are not sexy

Silver Foxes Awards 2010

Silver Foxes we like. Man Cougs we don't. Here is the list of Silver Foxes that we want to party with Bob Barker- Making Hugh Hefner seem like a level 1 and not a level 3 for many, many years Sean Connery- The Sexiest man to play bond..until I saw Daniel Craig on the beach in that little bathingsuit and I had to give the man props. Randy Price- Making Boston Mornings awsome Dr. Drew- Helping you kick the habit of dating douchebags and coke, with a smile George Clooney- Saving the world. One Woman at a time Anderson Copper- Sexy NY Times Crossword Puzzle Do-er

FUPA

As young children we are told not to stare at others who may look well odd compared to the rest of us. I on the other hand do not agree with that. And I'm not talking about those who are handicapped or have physical disabilities. I am talking about people who dress badly. And I'm not talking about people who wear polka dots with cartoon character tee shirts. I'm talking about those who wear their clothes way too tight and let the world see what they've got. I find this wrong. And I will not be subjected to it anymore. And the main eye violation is the FUPA.

FUPA for all of you who do not know stands for fat upper pussy area. I'm sorry for the vulgarity but in fact I did not come up with this termenology. I assume some man did when he saw a woman with one and was horrified like we all are.

Now a FUPA is not to be confused with camel toe or visible panty line. In fact you can rock one, two or all three at the same time. My former room mate who I shall call Ruth in fact every day would rock all three. She was determined to shove her muffin top into American Eagle size 12 jeans which in reality she should have been shoving that pudge into a Size 16 at the Gap. Not only where her jeans so tight that I along with co-workers every day had to stare at FUPA, Camel Toe and Visible Panty Lines because her pants and jeans were just that tight. It's just wrong. No one wants to see your vagina layed out for all the world to see nor do they want it with an additional fat chub on top. It's just wrong. Just buy a bigger size pant. No one checks out the size tag on the back of your pants. And if you wear the larger pant your belly and vagina will thank you because they are no longer cramped in an uncomfortable, unflattering material. Who wants to be picking front and back wedges all day? No one. Nor does the rest of the public want to view you doing so. So please for the love of the American people buy a bigger pant!

By the end of mine and Ruth's friendship when I was moving out of our apartment I finally told her that she had a FUPA and Camel Toe and to buy a larger jean. She thought I was just being mean when in fact I wasn't I was trying to help her, I was trying to help society from continuing to have to look at her Fupa and for her to potentially find a normal mate. I don't care that she was on the larger size just wear a pant that fits. But I bet you today that even with all my postings on Facebook and blogs about not having FUPA's that rolly polly fun of chub Ruth will continue to rock her AE Size 12 jeans for all the world to see. She and her lover will have to move their FUPA's and MUPA's (Male Upper Penial Area) just to get to one another's gentials for passion. But I am hoping you dear reader will see this and realize you may be rocking a FUPA or Camel toe and realize that me, and the rest of What Not To Wear crew are here to help you and you go and buy a larger pair of pant. If I can just save one person from rocking a Fupa or Camel Toe then I have done my job!