i heart Sausage Fests

So the night after Christmas, me and the Asian Persuasion wanted to hit up Boston. We were already inviting David Beckham so I hit up Ralph since he usually doesnt turn down a night of drinking to join us. Since its the night right after a holiday, the bar is kind of low key and makes for perfect view to either people watch or just talk. So we are sitting at the bar, having our drinks, having a good time when I realise that all the guys in the bar are definetly 35+ and there is way more guys than girls in the bar. The gods had decided to c*ckblock me by putting me in a bar full of men who are 10+ years older than me. This prompts me to say "Its like a sausage fest in here!". I must have said it pretty loudly because the guy next to the Asian Persuasion turns his head, looks right at me, has his eyes very wide open and starts nodding his head up and down. So I ask, "Are you glad its a sausage fest?" and he goes "Ohh yea" and does the head nod and then reaches over to give me a high five! He was glad about the fest, I would have been if they younger and not obssessed with college football. Later in the night, I notice a guy sitting all by himself sitting at the bar drinking my favorite drink- a big bottle of Magners. The problem? The guy was definetly wearing a leather jacket like an axe murderer who will leave your body in an alley would wear. So as I debate whether he is Michael Myers without the mask, David Beckham grabs a bottle of windex from the waitress station and thinks about asking said axe murderer if he wants his jacket cleaned. I was lucky enough to convince him to not spray, wipe, spray because I want to be able to go back to that bar, thank you very much. Towards the end of the night, me and Asian Persuasion decide to check out the dance room and see whts going back there. BAD IDEA. The minute we step past there 2 guys come out of no where and start humping us endless even after we started laughing and said "YEa no, this dance aint happening". This forces us to leave the dance room and go to the bar, but out of some miracle from the hate gods, these two ra-tards pop up and need one last grind session before leaving us alone. It was kind of tramatizing to be attacked from all angles on a dance floor.

Why I Hate Cat People

*I should first put a disclaimer up that I am not talking about my friends, most of whom do have cats. I am discussing the douches who I see at the store I work in* I hate cat people because they stand in front of the canned cat food and talk to themselves out loud about how fussy "pussy galore" is and then start asking if I have any cans of "tuna only". Umm no. Theres definetly 100 cans of fish right in front of you and they tell me no, it must be tuna. Ok, Tuna is a fish you stupid ra-tard and also, its a friggin cat. What the hell do you mean its fussy. Open the damn can, throw it in a bowl and it will be eaten. It is an animal. Really, whos wearing tha pants in your house? You, the human, or a 8 lb prissy animal that walks about with a stick up its a$$ and sleeps all day. But go down the baby food aisle and Prunes is miraculously always sold out. So kids (who are human) are forced to eat prunes, but pussy galore can pick between having minced meat or chunky meat and if we dont have the particular one pussy wants, you will write a complaint letter to corporate saying the compant hates cats. I wish we did, then I wouldnt have to deal with you first thing in the morning.

What do you do for a living? Oh I'm a retard specialists, I work wtih adult retards day in and day out and I am not talking the Special Needs either!

Today is one of those days where I think to myself "Sunny, what drugs are these people on? And how do we hire them?"Sometimes I just feel we should have a stricter screening processes for our employees because we do let them speak with the public and for some of these numb nuts that's a scary thought. Let's start with the rampant pregnancies this week. Or I should say just one. I have one dumbass getting knocked up and telling everyone that she doesn't know who the father is. It could be two guys and she doesn't know how she got pregnant since she used the morning after pill. Now why would you tell your boss this information? If I were pregnant and potentially not keeping or had to not keep it because I took the morning after pill. Like this is stuff I did not want to know at 8 o'clock in the morning especially after I asked hey how you doing? I really don't care I was just being polite. But at that moment I entered the Twilight Zone and I was entered into trailor park and surrounded by white trash! Great! I have some of my staff on vacation this week. I ask my banquet manager to be a team player and help set up the bar. No bar was set up and I am lugging glasses and bottles of liquor in 3 inch heels. As my banquet manager stares at me like a deer caught in the headlights muttering Spanglish. Then I am scheduling some of bartenders and apparently one took the day off to work so I can't schedule her she may be hung over. Really cause St. Patrick's day is not until March 17th. So don't complain about not having money or people not tipping to me. Thanks! Yes I may have an anuerism today. Then there's my boss who obsesses about her weight and goes and sees a Voo Doo to get a $250 dollar shot in her ass so she doesn't get cravings to eat. She can only 500 calories a day and no carbs. To this I say she is crazy! Kudos on the losing of the weight but eat right and exercise a magic shot and no carbs will not do it! Also, I found out today that my former assistant, a troll looking woman with moles to boot who I one time black out in anger and three my 4 inch stiletto at is not engaged for the second time. I wonder how long this engagement will last. The last man she was engaged to she met on the internet moved in after a month and after of living together were engaged. She also used to feed his child wine so he would go to sleep at like 6 o'clock at night. The relationship lasted year. And she now has her new man. This woman is like the Liz Taylor of the troll world. I often think her and Ruth would be great pals but alas even Ruth doesn't like her! I then got an email from Sarah my room mate that Ruth's man came to take her to lunch today. Apparently he brought along his two dogs. I felt bad for these kind animals who do nothing but are loyal and loving to this man why would he make them stare at Ruth's Fupa and why does he stick them in the car as they eat Qdoba? Both are wrong and are forms of Animal Cruelty. And that's just a taste of the retards I work with! I need a new job with new people I can learn to dislike!

Are you there vodka? Its me Katie and I'm surrounded by Douches

2 weekends ago turned into a big group shindig in Boston. We ended up at a college bar right next to Boston Common where basically everyone in there was a student @ Suffolk or Emerson..or so we thought. I didnt realise the "Med" Students from 2 blocks over were in the house. So we are this bar which is crammed, but the music is going and we are all dancing the night away. A few people in the group head downstairs for a more low-key experiences and eventually we all end up down there. Now before I continue, let me give you a visual of numbers. There are 5 girls and 2 guys in our group. This complete douche-y looking guy goes up to one of my friends (we are all standing in a circle) and asks her how we all met. Now she is very very quick witted and I love it. She says to, dead seriously, "We all met on Craigslist" and I chime in with my 5 cents by then adding, "Yea, the Random Encounters page to be exact!" and she addes fuel to the fire by pointing to one of our friends who was over at the bar and proceeding to tell said douche "That guy is our pimp so you have to talk to him to talk to us". This guy proceeds to pull out a $5 bill and offer it to any 2 girls that will kiss. Really buddy? $5 for a girl on girl kiss to happen once? Go buy a porn and and watch it as many times as you want! He then doesnt get the hint that we are messing with him big time and starts telling us his life story. OK, I'm missing fist pumping to "Tik Tok" for you, so this better be good! He then proceeds to say "I go to Tufts. Its a Medical School!". NO way! I had no idea Tufts had that. Wow, do you want a cookie?! So we ask what field he wants to pursue post Med School and he tells us he is in Dental School. OK- BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MED SCHOOL & DENTAL SCHOOL! Like just say "Im in Dental School". Sunny didn't believe him and got close and said his teeth were pretty nasty for one who wants to be a dentist and that she wouldn't let a guy with those teeth work on her. But the more important fact of this all is that he is basically the dude from the Hangover who is a dentist and tries to check into his room in Vegas as "Doctor" when his buddy blows his cover & tells the desk clerk that hes not a real doctor, but indeed a dentist. So later in the night, me, sunny & our friend of the Asian Persuasion are all dancing upstairs again when all of a sudden this douche re-appears, pulls out $20 and offers it to us to leave our Asian Persuaian alone with him. I let Sunny chew his a$$ verbally while I grab my little pint sized friend and was forced to do violation dances with her in order for this man to think we don't like men. If he only knew are really into men and fear turning into real life Cougars. Who offers money like that? He really thought we were hookers who met on Craigslist! What a ra-tard! So later in the night, 5 of us decide to stop by the North End for some late night pastries since 3 of the people have an hour long journey back to New Hampshire. I'm in the bakery with the girls. Two decide to leave and go to another bakery. I don't want anything, so I decide to be noisy and stand outside the bakery and watch a cop write a ticket to drunk 2 girls who won't pay their taxi fare. Meanwhile, Ralph is driving in circles around the North End because there is no where to park in that neighborhood! Ralph calls me, but I'm pretty consumed with the drunk girl drama going on, not to mention I was chatting to a cute guy who was equally into it as I was. The girl is saying she doesn't $15 for her cab fare but is holding her debit card in her hand. RA-TARD MUCH? The Cop tells her he will rip it up if she pays and she continues to cry she doesn't have it and then calls the cop a really bad word. Yea, it was colorful. OK, thats like rule 1 if your in that sitation. Sweet talk them. Don't bad talk to them. Your a girl. Cry. It works a lot. I eventually realise I don't want Ralph to leave me in the North End at 2AM so I jump in his car, and we find the rest of the crew. He said he was about to leave us and he didn't know why I didnt get in his car earlier but then he saw I was busy chatting up a cute guy and I got a big high five from the girls in the back seat.

Turtle or Crew Neck?

My friend and I were one day chatting about how people can be inappropriate especially at times one's boss. Well she told me how her boss one day mentioned to her that her cousin (as in her boss's cousin) who was in his 60's decided that at the age of 60+ was going to be circumsized. I looked at her and I said really at the age of 60+ this man decided he wanted to go from being a turtleneck to a crew neck? Does he know once he makes that change he can't go back? I mean at that age was he really like yeah I'm going to rock it out crew style just chop that piece off? Who does that? I can see if it was for a medical reason but maybe you shouldn't tell your family that you're getting your man-hood worked on...am I wrong? Creepy!

Ruth

My former roommate Ruth she still haunts me to this day. Mostly because my current roommate who I shall call Sarah works with her and tells me the stupidity that is Ruth. Ruth is a special kind of moron. As well documented she consistently rocks a FUPA with Camel Toe, Visible Panty Line and rocks nipple rings. Aside from her "What Not To Wear" moments Ruth has the personality of a rock. Let me give you a brief synopsis of how stupid Ruth is. Ruth married a man in jail. During "ding dong's" time in jail she had a chocolate lover. She and her choocolate lover would bang and shake the apartment and eat pizza and use my Wii bowling when in fact they should have been using the Wii fit to get rid of the spare tire if you know what I mean, wink wink! Ding dong was released from the can and placed back with Ruth. She dumped her chocolate lover to the side and resumed her life totally around Ding Ding and his aparent delerium bubble where he would become a millionaire off of "shit" energy drinks that he purchased from a pyramid scheme type company. She made him Dinosaur shaped Chicken Nuggets and French fries every night. Ruth obviously ate the same thing every night if you know what I mean cause the Fupa kept growing! At night she would snack on beef jerky as he would work all nights on the computer on his energy drink business. Now, I am no business mogule but I know a dumb idea when I see one and this was a dumb idea. I truly don't think he was really working on his "business" late nights on the computer more like looking up illegal porn and hunting down younger 20 year old woman to bang. I also think that if you are eating beef jerky at night in bed alone when you are "married" you 1.) may be heading for divorce court because you should be getting in on with your hubby and not a piece of dried meat and 2.) you are going to have sodium issues! Alas, Ding Dong's energy drink idea never quite took off in the year he was out of the can and he turned back to fast times and high crime with robbing a woman for $50 and her Prius (granted he would have great milage on that car) and went back to jail. Ruth was in utter shock and disbelief how could he do this when clearly he was so stable before when their marriage took place in a State Prison visiting room. Really Ruth really? Did you think it was going to be like Jennifer and Brad? Everyone has an Angelina. Remember that!

Porno Stash Larry

I live next door to 3 young guys. Two of the young guys I see and chat with all the time. The third guy, Larry I have only seen once. His truck never moves and I've actually never seen him go in or out of the house more then that one time. In the one occasion where I saw Larry I also notice that is rocks a black peach fuzz porno stash. My roommate also noticed the porno stash and how in each of our one occasion where we met him and chatted with him we could not stop staring at the top of his lip. We also have this on going obsession on how Larry's truck never leaves the driveway and how we have met his girlfriend but yet we never see them move from the house ever. It's an obsession. It's also an obsession is how his girlfriend makes out with him when he is rocking a peach fuzz porno stash. So the other morning I was listening to my favorite morning show "Matty in the Morning" in which they have a segment called "Right Now" where the listeners call in to discuss what is happening to them right now. Well a young man named Larry called in. This immediatly made my ears perk up could this by my Larry next door rocking his porno stash. In all honesty not many young men this days have the name Larry. I then roamed around my house seeing if I could glare into the house next door to see if it was Larry chatting with my morning show. Well Larry was telling the Matty show that he had taken Friday off from work and went down to Providence with his friends. I perked up more crawling on the wall seeing if I can I Spy the Porn Stash. Anyways, Larry continues to say that he had a quote crazy time and on Monday had to take work off again because he had some "skin irratation." Apparently Larry does not remember rubbing his junk up against what I am quite sure was a lovely lady of the Providence night and now has an STD. I knew then it had to be my neighbor. What woman of Providence could resist his peach fuzz porno stash it just screams rub your STD ridden va-jay-jay all over me. Poor Larry he didn't know that his stash would create such a stir among the ladies of Providence. And now he has to use alot of cream and a big blue pill called Valtrex. Very sad. I wait for the day that Larry comes out of the house again and I will ask him if he's been to Providence lately. He may wonder how i know or how I noticed he left the house. Either way I think we can all learn from Larry that Porno stashes repel the woman of Massachusetts away from you but down in Providence, RI they give you ruffies and rub their STD's all over you. They just can't resist the Porno Stash!

I have no luck on New Years Eve

I have 2 very different stories about 2 different New Years Eve's for you. These were back to back years. I hope you feel my pain. When we rang in 2008, I was in Ireland. And before you start asking youself what that party was like I'll cut to chase and let you know that many many pints of Bulmers (Or Magners as its called Stateside) and Jagerbombs were consumed on this particular New Years Eve. So I'm on this great trip to visit my cousins and see another part of Ireland I had never been to before. During the course of my stay, I had become friends with some of my cousins friends. So we head out to the Roost and we are all having a good time. Drinking and chatting away. I'm loving it. At one point earlier this day before we were out celebrating, my cousin Laura makes a joke that we should find me a fella for midnight and I jokingly say back 'Hell yea', thought maybe I wasn't joking after all? No really, if I had come back to Boston with a great kiss story, great, if not, I still had a "wicked good time". Well I didnt think I was going to come home with a story of how my midnite moment really went. Back to being at the pub drinking away- so we are doing our thing. Before I know it, my friend Amy said she was running to toilet so since I was drinking and breaking the seal happens, I went along. I open the door to the toilet and ask her if she knows what time it is. She thought it was 11.30 and so didnt I. Meanwhile some chick in there tells me its actually 11.45. "Ok, I have 15 minutes to get out of here and ring in the New Year with everyone" I thought to myself. Until the chick who told me it was 11.45 proceeds to leave the toilet and when I hear the door open to the pub all I hear is the entire pub doing the countdown and I say "WTF Amy. Its Midnite and we are in the toilet!" and her response? "Ahh it's going to be midnite all night!". Cheers Amy. So first trip out of Boston for New Years and thats how I rang it in. Later in the night I ended up at a gaf party with everyone. Me, Laura and Eoin leave the house and are heading to Laura's when Eoin realises he didn't see me at midnite, so he asks me where I was. My answer? "I was in the f*cking bathroom with Amy!". I yelled this pretty loudly at about 3 am on a maain road in her town. Pretty sure the Gards were wondering why an American was yelling about being a f-ing bathroom. So the next year comes and I am determined to not make the same mistake of spending the countdown in a bathroom, in a stall, on a toilet and or any other combination of those things. I am in New Hampshire partying my a$$ off. I look at the clock a lot to make sure I time my bathroom breaks perfectly. Its 11.30 so I know I have to go then or hold it another 35 minutes and at this point, I had a lot of adult beverages and waiting that long was not an option, unless your the crazy NASA astraunat who wore a diaper so she drive the zillion miles between Texas and Key West or wherever the hell it is in Florida was headed for so she could confront her fellow NASA lover with his girl on the side. OK that got confusing. Have to stay focused here- So its 11.30 and I head downstairs and queue up for the toilets. The ladies line is not moving and I just saw like 10 chicks lock themselves into the handicap bathroom, which is seperate from the mens and ladies rooms. Thats kind of awkward but was every mans fantasy who were drinking in the downstairs bar. So my friends friend was at the door of mens room. He had on a suit so I figured he was a somebody and either owned the place or managed it. This made me trust him. He tells me there is no one in the mens room and I can use it and he will make sure no guys go in for like a minute or two while I tinkle. I go in, and there is 1 stall and like 10 urinals. So I run into the 1 stall, do my thing, and right when I'm about to open the stall door, a line of men come in. Now, as much as I wish I had the balls to walk out, I didn't. I'm standing there trying to see figure out how to get out of this situation and still make it upstairs for midnite when I hear one guy tell his buddy, while each were holding their own family jewels, that his friend has to 'help him ditch the fat chick who wont leave him alone'. WTF? These guys are worse than girls. I would wait til the night was over to bash a fugly man who was bothering me. Manners gentlemen! So all the men do their thing and leave. I run out of the stall, wash my hands and head for the door faster than a fat kid runs who sees a double choclote chip muffin. Once out the door, I see a definete hillbilly ask me what I was doing in there and I just say "Wouldn't you like to know", winked, and went back upstairs where I made it to my table by 11.45 and in time to get my champagne glass filled. Suprinsingly, I remember the whole night also.

Man Cougs Awards 2010

We dispise Man Cougs. You should know this by reading the first post in this blog. Here is our list of the creepiest Man Cougs: Hugh Hefner- Still a level 1 Bret Michaels- He's wearing more lipstick than I wear Quagmire- The Giggity Giggity Goo Perv Mel Gibson- Do I really need to list all the reasons? Like Really? George Steinbrenner- Take those 20 something rings and shove it George-y! Bernie Madoff- Ponzi Schemer's are not sexy

Silver Foxes Awards 2010

Silver Foxes we like. Man Cougs we don't. Here is the list of Silver Foxes that we want to party with Bob Barker- Making Hugh Hefner seem like a level 1 and not a level 3 for many, many years Sean Connery- The Sexiest man to play bond..until I saw Daniel Craig on the beach in that little bathingsuit and I had to give the man props. Randy Price- Making Boston Mornings awsome Dr. Drew- Helping you kick the habit of dating douchebags and coke, with a smile George Clooney- Saving the world. One Woman at a time Anderson Copper- Sexy NY Times Crossword Puzzle Do-er

FUPA

As young children we are told not to stare at others who may look well odd compared to the rest of us. I on the other hand do not agree with that. And I'm not talking about those who are handicapped or have physical disabilities. I am talking about people who dress badly. And I'm not talking about people who wear polka dots with cartoon character tee shirts. I'm talking about those who wear their clothes way too tight and let the world see what they've got. I find this wrong. And I will not be subjected to it anymore. And the main eye violation is the FUPA.

FUPA for all of you who do not know stands for fat upper pussy area. I'm sorry for the vulgarity but in fact I did not come up with this termenology. I assume some man did when he saw a woman with one and was horrified like we all are.

Now a FUPA is not to be confused with camel toe or visible panty line. In fact you can rock one, two or all three at the same time. My former room mate who I shall call Ruth in fact every day would rock all three. She was determined to shove her muffin top into American Eagle size 12 jeans which in reality she should have been shoving that pudge into a Size 16 at the Gap. Not only where her jeans so tight that I along with co-workers every day had to stare at FUPA, Camel Toe and Visible Panty Lines because her pants and jeans were just that tight. It's just wrong. No one wants to see your vagina layed out for all the world to see nor do they want it with an additional fat chub on top. It's just wrong. Just buy a bigger size pant. No one checks out the size tag on the back of your pants. And if you wear the larger pant your belly and vagina will thank you because they are no longer cramped in an uncomfortable, unflattering material. Who wants to be picking front and back wedges all day? No one. Nor does the rest of the public want to view you doing so. So please for the love of the American people buy a bigger pant!

By the end of mine and Ruth's friendship when I was moving out of our apartment I finally told her that she had a FUPA and Camel Toe and to buy a larger jean. She thought I was just being mean when in fact I wasn't I was trying to help her, I was trying to help society from continuing to have to look at her Fupa and for her to potentially find a normal mate. I don't care that she was on the larger size just wear a pant that fits. But I bet you today that even with all my postings on Facebook and blogs about not having FUPA's that rolly polly fun of chub Ruth will continue to rock her AE Size 12 jeans for all the world to see. She and her lover will have to move their FUPA's and MUPA's (Male Upper Penial Area) just to get to one another's gentials for passion. But I am hoping you dear reader will see this and realize you may be rocking a FUPA or Camel toe and realize that me, and the rest of What Not To Wear crew are here to help you and you go and buy a larger pair of pant. If I can just save one person from rocking a Fupa or Camel Toe then I have done my job!

I hate Man Cougs

I hate Man Cougs. All they want to do it c**kblock us younger ladies who are out with our girls and want to meet guys. Case in point- One night this summer, me and Sunny at our at local wateringhole having a few drinks and checking out the sceneray. We were sitting at the bar looking as cute as you can look when its about 95 degrees outside. There were 2 empty chairs to our left. To our right, ok more like the seat exactly to my right, was an older fella that we have grown to call "Gramps". He was great. He didn't try to ruin in our game. In fact, he wanted to improve it. He taught us how to go from switching the alcohol your drinking constantly in the course of a night and not get sick, plus he helped us pick what guys we should or should not attack like the lady cats we are when all of a sudden these two man cougs come and sit in the empty seats to our left! And to make matters worse, they just would not leave us alone. Every two seconds the short one kept leaning over towards us to make conversation and we made it obvious in a polite way that we we did not appreciate him stealing the thunder from all the younger men in the bar that night! And did he give up? NO! And to make matters worse, we were in fact eyeing a group of guys who were much much cuter than he was. Why? A) they were our age. B) They werent rocking the Salt N Pepper Look. Only George Clooney can pull that one off buddy and C) They had suits on. Who's wearing a suite at 10 O'Clock at nite on a Saturday?! Now, you may be asking yourself at this point, "Self, what is a 'Man Cougs'?". And the answer is easy. A male version of a Female Coug, except not to attractive. An attrative older gentleman who is looking for company for the evening is a Silver Fox. Back to my hatred of Man Cougs- So we see these guys we want to check out, but Dad 1 & Dad 2 next to our left won't go away. By some miracle (and I mean it when I use that word. The heavens parted and Angels were singing), one of the friends of a young suiter Sunny had her eye on, decided to come over to us and use the little gap between Sunny and Man Cougs Dad 1 to buy his drink. He started chatting her up. Before I knew it, the young suiter Sunny was eye-ing is right next to me asking me what I'm drinking. Oh Yea, the guy she was checking out bought me a drink and she got nothing from the young suiter talking to her! Go Me! Sadly, Dad 1 & Dad 2 must have scard them because after the drink purchase, they walked away :-( That is, until I went outside and they were outside having a smoke and I showed them my sex face that I had created during the New Kids on the Block concert the previous night. Don't go to a show where half the songs are about doing the nasty when you have a bad case of jetlag. Your friends will never let you live it down. So I did my sex face dance, where I put 1 leg in the air and 1 arm out like I'm riding a horse and say 'OOHH YEAA' while humping the air. They seemed to enjoy it. Sadly, I have no seen them again. I would have though, if Man Cougs didnt c**kblock me!